Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
