You can't special order awesome
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
