1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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