That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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