hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
