good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
