Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
