So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
