he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize