Umm I'm too high to move.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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