I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the condom got lost in my hair
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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