I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
