You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
