I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
