Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Couch. On fire.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
