Buhtt sex?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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