haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
