Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
