I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
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