it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
