I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
