when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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