my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize