Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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