life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
