My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
