I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
