i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
