it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
