Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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