Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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