Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She announced her abortion via fbk
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
