Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
