I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
they're like a gay fantastic four
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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