You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
