i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
