I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
