There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
