grandma shit on top of the toilet
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
