i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
