3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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