My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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