Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
