i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize