Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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