i would punch a child for taco bell
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You left your phone here
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