Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Pants are for mortals
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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