He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
