Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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