He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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