after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
