one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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