I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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