I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
