I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
