The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
