My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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