Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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