this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
