i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I intend to get homeless drunk
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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