so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
