you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
