If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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