Dual....:-)
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
