I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
