My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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