I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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