I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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