In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I need to calm my uterus...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
