we have officially lost it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
