woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
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