awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
