first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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