I met the friendliest cop last night
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I had to cum in my sink.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
