Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
