I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
